defensedefumer's Xanga

Noir: Shades of Grey

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:09:19 GMT

"Where will you be this weekend?" I was asked.

"At a camp," I answered. It was not a lie, but it was definitely not the truth.

Why do I shy from telling the truth? I will be at a short weekend Christian camp. I can't meet you today because I have a cell group leader meeting. I am not free at night because I have to run some errands for the Christian Union.

It is as if I coat the light of truth with the darkness of cover. As I ashamed to be a Christian? Afterall, most of my peers know that I am a Christian.

Am I too comfortable living in shades of grey? I remember a time when I could easily make hard choices and yet still sleep well at night. I am no longer that person.

The rain is starting to clear up-- yet I still see clouds of grey.

Noir: Hero

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:17:02 GMT

What makes a hero? I wondered as again I crawled out of bed to lumber to school.

"A hero does not only ask why he has to go through something, but how to do it."

Shuddering everytime I remind myself I have a presentation due on Friday, and a practical report due on Monday, I proceed to do my work.

"A hero is brave not because of the circumstance, but in spite the circumstance."

Time is crashing down. The temperature has dropped. I am more exhausted than I ever dare to admit. Still I work.

"A hero makes sacrifices."

Walking pass a donation box, I decide to do something good today.

"A hero never sees himself as one."

I never considered myself a hero. Never really. Afterall, I am just simply following the legacy of one man, and one God.

Noir: Red Rain

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:41:25 GMT

For the next series of entries, I am going to write in a 'noir' style of events that has happened to me.

Without further ado, this is the first one:

It rained on Sunday. How ironic. Shivering out of bed, I reluctantly reached for my alarm clock. I had been sleeping for about 6 hours a day for the past few weeks due to work. I need sleep. But it was close to 9am, and I needed to go to church.

Ready to bathe, I nearly yelped as the water spurted out from the shower head. Stupidly, I did not check the temperature before operating the taps."What a way to start the day," I fleetingly thought as I headed out into the rain.

I must have been exhausted by the week's events. I barely could stay awake during the service, and pondered as the speaker was praying for someone who had felt a sense of duty. Was he praying for me? I dragged my fatigue-ridden body to my VInE elections, held at Wenxiu's place.

Wenxiu had always been praised as a fantastic cook, but I was too lethagic to smell or eat. To be honest, I just wanted the election to be over quickly. However, I have a knack for not getting what I want. It dragged on and on as we debated the position of vice-president for the longest time.

Glad that it was over, I slowly returned home admist the light drizzle. Part of me was worried. When it rained, I did not expect it to last forever.

Brand New Day: It's gonna be a good day!

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:22:11 GMT

On Wednesday, I awoke feeling great. Why? I have no idea. Grabbing my best shirt, I travelled to class. And I was right.

Firstly, my scholarship officer finally replied to me via email. I know he's usually busy, and take ages to answer my queries, so I was grateful for that at least.

I bumped into my long lost friend Katie. It was great to see her, as she had transferred from Biology to business.

I'm very grateful for the friends I have. I'm glad to have helpful coursemates like Joshua Ansell, Joshua Wang, Ifi, Michelle, Cheok Hao, Andee, Jade, Jackin and lots more.

Most of all, I'm glad to be Christian, and will sing of the one who has come, and will come here again.

Brand New Day: Myself to live with

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:22:53 GMT

I'm back from Southampton! We saw the Titanic museum and spent time at the Ocean Village. It sounds exciting, but the city itself was pretty underwhelming. I did get to meet and talk to some freshers though!

I am embarassed to face some of my friends. Upon reading my diary, I find out that I am supposed to be on good terms with some people, and bad with others, but for some reason I feel the other way round. I feel like a man, plucked from the past and placed into the present, and that the person in between was an imposter running my life. Does that makes sense? It certainly does not.

Meeting up with my VInE commitee recently, I was angered when one of the members made an off-colour comment. It took some level of self-control to not react and lose myself. I shudder to think who I really am.

I pray that God will lead me and guide me, through these brand new era of my life. And I know He will.

Brand New Day: The return of what?

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:28:25 GMT

It's our biggest plan ever. And I'm proud to be part of it. Together with my fellow brothers-and sisters-in-Christ, we will be holding the biggest Mission Week event ever in London form 25th January to 29th January 2010. It is a grand idea by 4 London Universities, and I pray it will succeed.

My laboratory partner, Andee remarked I was not myself during the practical sessions this week. I was inattentive, appeared confused looked tired most of the time. Was I better in the past? From his body language, I guessed I was.

I met with past friends at All Souls Church on Thursday, and I struggled to recall all of them. When questioned, I confessed that I felt that I was losing part of my memory. Embarassed, I did not say further.

Whie in the washroom in school today, I thought I was a sudden movement behind me and I spun around. I was alone. Upon returning to the sink to wash my hands, a sudden thought crept into my mind. I felt as if I am a different person, and I am behind someone else's skin.

I blame it on fatigue. Maybe I need more rest.

Brand New Day: A busy week

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 23:32:10 GMT

I am so glad to have finally done up my report. Looking at my timetable, I do have a busy week. I have been doing laboratory practicals all week, and will continue to do so till the end of the week, have a Christian Union Fresher Event later today and will be in Southampton on Saturday. To sum it all off I have a VInE meeting on Sunday.

Will I have time for my work? At least I do not have any assignments due soon. I'm thankful for that.

Was I this busy in the past? I do not know. All I know it is a brand new day, and I'm ready for challengers.

Brand New Day: Scrambled eggs in the morning

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:45:23 GMT

One morning, I awoke. For no intelligent reason, I just felt like eating scrambled eggs in the morning. And I did. It's weird how after school started, I feel like I'm starting life anew.

As I start classes, my aching mind struggles to keep up, but at least I know it's working. After class, I stay back to quiz my peers and lecturers on the issues I do not fully grasp. I bump into old friends and catch up on times long past. I try to recall, but at times, to their amusement, I babbled incorrect information. I make new friends, and do my best to help them familarise with their surroundings.

It's like the first day of the rest of my life again.

Disassembled: Brand New Week

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 23:14:55 GMT

I bumped into Albert on Tuesday, and we caught up much. Speaking about our own future, I admire his resolve and uncompromising values. He was so sure and determined to get what I want.

When was the last time I was like that? I remember making decisions in shades of gray, never knowing if I did the right thing at times.

Now that school has started proper, I feel like a beginner again, as I struggle to graspe concepts and stayed back after class to discuss the lectures with my friends. Was I like that in Year1? I do not recall being like that in Year 2.

It's a brand new week for me, and even though I cannot remember what I was like in the past. I am making new jokes, making new friends and reading new stuff. It's time to make new memories.

Disassembled: One More Day

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:52:27 GMT

Here are some pictures I took in Norway:

Well, as I struggle with my memory problems, I wonder if this situation is new. Of course, I have read stories about people losing their wealth, health, sanity and friends only to get it all back again. However, what if they lose their intellect and memories?

Not that I'm becoming retarded or anything, but I realise that I'm misspelling words such as "bait" as "bate" and "feathers" as "featers". How could I be doing that, I wonder.

Maybe I need to go back where it all began.