How much can a heart take?

You know, I never wanted to write this post, much less publish it. In fact, it will be way to similar to another post, one which I written many moons ago.

I made a tough decision, and I paid for it, and will continue to pay for it. I am frustrated that many of my friends made judgements on me without clarifying, but I don't blame them-- truth is, I am tired of justifying my actions.

I am now reminded of a poem I once read. It compares the emotional human heart to a pure metal. With every hardship, a little impurity gets added into this iron heart. This increases the hardness of the heart, making it able to take more difficulties as the person grows older (and more impurites get incorporated). Yet I fear, that one day I will forget what it is like to feel again. I've been there, and do not want to go back again.

Some time in the future, I will look back and say these are the good old days. But for now, my heart aches. Damning questions rage in my mind:

How could my own friends doubt me?

Why do I feel like a complete jerk, even though I did the right thing?

Why am I portrayed as the villian in this incident?

Why do I have to make the hard decisions?

The thing that cuts me the most is that I could not say for sure what I would have done different, even with the benefit of hindsight. I crave for vindication, even though I know I will not get it soon or in the near future.So I shall maintain the British "stiff upper lip", and continue.

But I look to the cross, and I know I do not have to look for vindication anymore.

Me, by you #11

I have recently be called many things by my friends, many good and some hurtful. And when I think about it, I have been called some unusal names. For this post, I want to highlight some rare positive labels I was given in the past. I also want to highlight the negative.

"Wise"

She always seemed to had all the answers. So I was surprised when she came to me for advice. When all our mutal friends were taking sides, she tried to persuade me to take her side. At the height of the Civil and Silent wars that she faced, I could have swung the favour to her side. Much as she needed that emotional victory, I turned her down.

"I heard from your side; I need to hear from the other," I painfully but firmly rejected her request, before adding, "I get the sense you're not telling me the whole story."

She appeared shock, but quick hid her surprised by staring downwards.

"You are the wisest of them all," she concluded the conversation without leaving. Her words, left a lasting imprint on me. It was the first time anyone had accused me of being "wise".

Years later, I knew what she had meant. By refusing to take sides (due to the lack of information revealed by both sides), I managed to be remain friends with the opposing sides. Sadly the conflict has not ended, but I look forward to the day that it is over.

"Brave"

The man was larger than life. His look showed that he was all business, but no leisure. He was annoyed that no one had followed the instructions he had given a few days ago, and he let everyone in on it.

"I didn't receive any instructions," I answered.

"I gave them out."

"I'm sorry, but I really didn't receive them."

We see-sawed back and forth till he realised that he was mistaken. As I joined my colleagues for lunch, they remarked that I was "brave" for facing him down. However, I took no pride in it. I was just stating the truth as respectfully as I could muster.

After all, it was not I who was brave-- I simply had truth behind me. It is ironic in how this strangely post-modern world, truth can still be a powerful tool.

"Evil"

Yet again, I made a comment that made me examine my own morality. Was I so depraved of satisfaction that I had claim joy from someone's downfall?

I remembered being envious of a classmate. So I waited till he/she slipped once, and I would defeat him/her with one word. And eventually he/she did. And I said it:

"Yes."

 He/she looked crestenfallen, as I smirked happily. One of my close friends in class then turned to me and called me "evil". I paused. My friend was right.

I would like to say I didn't mean it; but I meant it. I would like to say I was sorry; but I wasn't. I would like to say it was out of context; but there was no other context. It was a long, hard fall I took.

On hindsight, I was grateful to be called that-- it made me reexamine my life.

Conclusion

The funny thing is I want to know what people think of me. Because the commitment we make is revealed in the labels we make. And especially as a Christian, I wonder how I actually label Jesus. Am I willing to make that commitment? Are you?

And he [Jesus] asked them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered him, "You are the Christ." -- Mark 8:29

Me, by Chesterton #10

"Silver is sometimes more valuable than gold, that is in large quantities."

There was a period of time, where I was just sick of knowledge. Yes, you heard it straight from horse's mouth. I was sick of my betters who think they know it all. I was sick of the apathetic who could not be bothered. And I was sick of myself who had lost interest in reading.

But everytime I get sick of studying, I just picked up a book written by Chesterton (aka the Prince of Paradoxes) and suddenly my interest renewed. With his lovely play of words, he got me reading again. And the thing he inspired me to be is an eternal rebel.

"Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously."

And I guess in a way, I tend to take things at face value without questions. But with Chesterton, he shows that even the brightest and best among us can also be wrong. He points out that we get into the swing of things or agree with popular opinion too readily.

"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."

"Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions."

For instance, I was at many times reprimanded for being arrogant for the excessive sharing of views in class. For this, I simply quote:

"It is always the humble man who talks too much; the proud man watches himself too closely."

 Chesterton also criticises the rebels without a cause. He questions what I fight for? Was I simply a rebel without a clue?

"A man must be orthodox upon most things, or he will never even have time to preach his own heresy."

 Even though I battle against the grate of the world, I am always reminded by Chesterton's words:

"The most incredible things about miracles is that they happen."

And suddenly I'm inspired again.

Me, by Nietzsche #9

Nietzsche was, and still is one of the most highly regarded philosophers of all time. As an atheist, he rants powerfully against the chains that religion and spiritual authorities could potentially hold. You may find it weird that I enjoy reading Nietzsche and about him. I like reading the works of people whom I disagree with, mainly because it challenges ideas and concepts that I hold dear. The result is simple-- either it strengthens my position, or I change it.

Here's what some of what I learnt from reading Nietzsche:

1) Nietzsche exposes self-righteous behaviour

Nietzsche (in his work On Genealogy of Morality) points out that people (both religious and the non-religious) can be stuck up in their own set of moral systems. If I am allowed to be honest on my own blog, I am tempted at times to say, "at least I am not like them." Let me list some variations of this:

"I am glad that I am not as petty as her!"

"Well, I would not have said that!"

"I only lied to a few people, unlike him."

"What an idiot! Clinging to an ancient tradition, unlike enlightened people like me."

And these self-righteous people (including myself) cannot stand the potential that our "sinning" friends can be forgiven. We can entertain the concept for a second chance, but we cannot accept it. This is because means that all our high starting moral points count for nothing if these "sinners" can suddenly claim equality with us.

To Nietzsche, self-righteousness inhibits forgiveness. And if I'm not careful, I can easily slip into it. If that is all Christianity is, then the ultimate aim of Christianity is to look down to our counterparts in hell and laugh at their torment. Is this how I portray Christianity?

2) Nietzsche exposes truth claims as power play

Nietzsche portrays any exclusive claim to truth as a form of manipulation. After All, everyone wants to follow what is right. People who are convicted and claim the truth for themselves are often very powerful people.

Think of Hitler, who claimed to know the Final Solution. Think of Napoleon, who claimed to be the future Emperor of Europe. Think of Mao, who thought the Great Leap Forward would bring prosperity to the people.

But to Nietzsche, all reality in flux except for one thing-- we set our conclusions before pretending to be rational to get there. Hence all claims to absolute truth are meaningless. As a Christian, do I manipulate people by claiming exclusive knowledge to God?

Discussion

I love Nietzsche, I really do. He was willing to raise an opposing voice, and take it all the way. Is a Christian simply a form of arrogant, self-righteous and know-it-all person?

 But I submit that Nietzsche, while right in his reasoning, missed the whole message of the Bible. Where was Jesus in his thinking? If humans are broken images of God, then why should we compare our own broken images with other broken images?

Think of the way Jesus described himself in John 14:6:

"Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

And as a Bible-believing Christian, I should compare myself, a shattered reflection with the real figure-- God. That should warn me against self-righteous thinking. This is where I set my conclusion from which all reality flows.

Nietzsche was right-- truth is powerful. But stating the effects of truth has no bearing on the nature of it. However, Nietzsche did wonder where this power came from, although he was suspicious. It had the power to make people larger than life, overthrow authorities and defeat long-standing ideas. Truth as a concept, sounds almost divine. And I would think it is.

Conclusion

I am grateful to this German philosopher, as he makes me think,

"Where is Jesus in my own thinking?"

Thank you Nietzsche, for putting theology on trial.

Me, by Luther #8

The purpose of the Protestant Reformation can be summed up in this way-- it is a movement that seeks to return to the Christianity of the Bible after years of human tradition and corruption had marred it. In this way, it should have been Erasmus, the translator and publisher of Greek New Testament to be the hero of the Reformation, because he was the one who placed the Word of God into the hands of the public.

But he wasn't.

Instead, that fame went to Martin Luther.

For all his hard work, Erasmus loved to play the moderate, unwilling to break from the traditions of the old to embrace the full implications of his translations (that salvation is by faith, not works). Unlike Erasmus, Luther acted on his convictions, and was willing to break the foundations of old if he had to. In his own words,

"Peace, if possible; truth, at all costs."

Luther spoke his mind, and went all the way in what he felt was right. Erasmus, while agreeing with Luther in principle, was very reluctant to act on his convictions as he recognised the movement Luther was leading would destablise the whole Europe.

Despite having high respect for Erasmus, Luther pointed out the difference between Erasmus and himself very harshly-- while portraying himself as an independent scholar, Erasmus didn't care about the truth. He only knew compromise, and to Luther, there was no place for compromise in truth.

And ironically, it was Luther who found peace via truth. And through this reflection, I can hope that I have not made myself immune to truth.